The dresser, the bedspread, the lamp...
the television, the telephone―
[Earl Narrating] Randy was pointing out all the things he was gonna miss at the motel...
'cause it was our last night there.
- We were movin'. - The vending machine that takes buttons...
Paul the sleepwalking guy from downstairs.
Yeah. I'm gonna miss Paul too.
We've had some good times here.
Except for the gas leak. That was kind of scary.
It wasn't that bad. We slept through most of it.
[Earl Narrating] So, why were me and Randy moving? Well...
I had recently realized that I cheated myself out of becoming an adult.
So I put Earl Hickey on the list.
I got my G.E.D...
I got a real job...
and finally me and Randy moved in to a real apartment.
- Hey, Earl. - Yeah, Randy?
What color's the ceiling in your room?
- White. - Mine too.
[Man] Hey, why don't you two lovebirds get off channel nine.
- This is an emergency frequency. - Sorry, sir. Good night, Randy.
- Good night, Earl. Good night, emergency frequency. - [Man] Get off it!
My name is Earl.
[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy had just moved in to our new apartment...
and were having our first breakfast.
Man, everyone here is so friendly.
I even got some helpful advice from one of our neighbors last night.
When I go out looking for an ice machine, I should put on pants.
Oh. And there's no ice machine.
This is a nice place.
But I got this weird feeling inside.
I can't really explain it, but―
I don't know. It feels like something's missing.
Yeah.
I picked all the marshmallow charms out of your cereal. I hoped you wouldn't notice.
Well, that's not it.
Although I do wish you wouldn't put your hands in my cereal.
It's just that I― I crossed off all the things on my list to become an adult, and―
I don't know. I just― I don't feel like I thought I would.
[Phone Rings]
Wait. Let that thing I bought answer it.
[Man] Hello. This is a Mr. T impersonator.
I pity the fool who doesn't leave a message for―
[Randy Chuckles] Randy and Earl.
- That was so worth 20 bucks. - [Beeps]
[Joy] Earl, get your ass down to the jail right now.
I'm in big trouble. There's about to be a race riot...
and me and the baby are on different sides.
How'd you end up in jail? I thought you were hiding in Mexico.
Well, running from the law wasn't as easy as they made it look on The Dukes of Hazzard.
[Earl Narrating] Joy was in a heap of trouble. It started last fall...
when she stole a truck and got arrested.
Unfortunately, it was the third strike, and now she was facing life in prison.
So Joy took an unscheduled vacation.
♪♪ [Country: Man Singing]
- [Earl Narrating] To Mexico. - [Wolf Howls]
And things were going well for a while.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You're Dog the Bounty Hunter!
[Laughs] I am your biggest fan. My name is Joy.
Turner, I got a warrant for your arrest, baby.
Bail-jumping and interstate flight to avoid prosecution.
Oh, chasquido.
This is crazy, Joy. You keep making things worse for yourself.
- Running away makes you look guilty. - Look. I'm freaking out, okay?
- I could go away for life. You know how long that is? - Depends on how long―
Seventy more years! Look at my lifeline!
Listen. My deaf lawyer said that I have to have good character witnesses...
and I need you to go find 'em for me.
Write these names down.
- [Randy] So it's not fun, huh? - It's lonely in solitary.
- I miss my cell mate. - Why'd they put you in solitary?
I killed my cell mate.
[Earl Narrating] I stopped by the trailer to see how Darnell was doing on his own.
[Popping]
I didn't really need to ask 'cause his hair is like a mood ring.
The kids found the sugar and the Fourth of July poppers.
- [Pops] - They've been awake for 36 hours.
- ♪♪ [Rock: Man Singing] - Whoo!
Why is Mr. Turtle taped to the ceiling window?
Oh, that's where he is? I thought he ran away.
- [Popping Continues] - I wouldn't blame him.
Want me to get him down? He looks kind of scared.
His tiny turtle butt's all puckered up.
- He's probably safer up there. - [Popping Continues]
I'm having a little trouble controlling the kids, Earl.
And keeping up with the chores and my shifts at work.
Ow!
Dodge, uh...
how about you stop hitting old daddy with firecrackers...
and go eat sugar with your brother while I talk to new daddy?
Okay?
Here. Go help 'em with their clothes.
- ♪♪ [Stops] - Come on, kids.
Look, Crabman, if you want...
me and Randy can take the kids off your hands for a while, give you a break...
get the perk back into your hair.
Thanks, Earl.
But it's not just taking care of the kids.
I don't think I can do this.
I can't live without Joy.
She's the other half of my heart.
That's sweet.
- She's got the other piece? - No.
It's somewhere in my colon. She made me eat her half when we got into a fight once.
I miss her, Earl. Without that woman in my life, I'm nothing.
[Earl Narrating] That's when I realized what was missing in my life―
the one adult thing I didn't have yet:
A woman to love and share a tiny gold heart necklace with.
Truth was, I'd met a woman a year before I probably could have felt that way about.
Her name was Alex the professor.
We'd had a connection, but karma didn't think I was ready for a relationship...
so it sent bees to sting our faces.
The time wasn't right then, but now I thought maybe it was.
I had made a lot of personal progress since then...
including learning the phrase "personal progress."
[Laughing] Stop! Stop! Stop! Nipples are out-of-bounds! Nipples are out-of-bounds!
Guys, stop screaming. I'm making a call here.
- [Laughing] - [Shouting]
[Woman] You have reached the voice message system for―
- [Alex] Alex Meyers. - [Woman] To leave a message, press one.
[Woman] You have made an invalid entry.
If you would like to leave a message, press one.
I don't have buttons. I just have holes.
[Laughing, Screams]
- [Beeps] - Whoa.
Hey, Randy. I think you just screamed a one tone.
Uh, Alex, this is Earl Hickey.
Uh, you know, the guy with the list and the mustache.
Well, you told me to call you, uh, when I was ready for a relationship, and...
well, I've matured, a-and I think I'm ready for one now, so...
give me a buzz. [Chuckles]
That-That was supposed to be a joke. Remember the bees?
Uh, call me.
[Exhales]
Damn it. I forgot to leave my number.
Boys, when I point to you, tickle Uncle Randy until he screams a one tone again.
[Earl Narrating] I wanted to wait by the phone for Alex to call...
but I had to use most of my lunch hours to find character witnesses for Joy.
I started with her old best friend Lulu.
I haven't seen her in a few years.
Last time she was here she drank too much cherry wine and had a threesome with my parents.
Oh, yeah. I remember that night.
We were still married.
Yeah, that was not a fun car ride home. [Chuckles]
Well, uh, th-thanks anyway.
[Earl Narrating] Next I went to see Joy's minister.
You can't get much better than a man of God as a character witness.
Last time I saw her, she came to church wearing a denim bikini.
When I told her it wasn't appropriate...
she said, " You don't think Jesus would want a piece of this?"
I'll put you down as a no.
[Earl Narrating] Later I almost got a celebrity to give Joy his endorsement.
But unfortunately he had a scheduling conflict.
Well, I'd love to, but my family called...
and they just booked me a guest star role...
on some reality show called Intervention.
Should be fun. They're meeting me there.
[Earl Narrating] So I took a long shot and even asked Catalina.
Gracias por ver nuestro programa.
Los vamos a extrañar este verano.
¿No te parece cómico que Earl piensa que yo le estoy diciendo cuánto yo odio a Joy...
pero en realidad le estoy diciendo cuánto los quiero?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing in our room?
This happens every year!
[Man] You got two new messages, fool.
- [Beeps] - Hey, Earl. It's Alex.
It was so great to hear from you. I'm so happy your life is going well.
I have some news.
I got married two months ago.
Um, I'm sorry our timing didn't work out. You're a great guy.
I hope you have a wonderful life. You deserve it.
- [Beeps] - [Joy] Hey, dummy. Hurry up.
My deaf lawyer won't shut up about needing those character witnesses.
She's talking so much I think she sprained her pinky. [Laughs]
Hey, Tasha. Did you hear that? Did you hear what I said about my lawyer?
Now give me some of those Doritos.
- [Beeps] - [Sighs]
[Earl Narrating] I went to Joy's lawyer's office...
feeling bad that I didn't find any character witnesses...
and even worse that I'd never find a woman as pretty and smart as Alex.
Hello?
[Earl Narrating] And then I met Ruby.
I was pretty blown away when I saw Joy's deaf lawyer for the first time.
If my hands could talk, they would have said "wow."
She thinks you'll be a good character witness.
Me? Really?
Is it 'cause I'm tall and have a handsome mustache?
She didn't mention that.
Probably because she's not into the Village People.
"Even though you've got a bit of a checkered past...
"this list shows that you've really turned your life around.
Uh, judges and juries eat that stuff up."
Well, tell her I'd be honored to be a witness.
I never told the truth in court before.
"We're talking about Joy's character.
Try not to tell too much of the truth. Ha, ha, ha."
[Earl Narrating] I couldn't tell if Ruby liked me...
or if she was touching me with her talking hands as punctuation.
- But either way, I liked it. - Randy, I need your help. L―
Shh! You're gonna wake 'em up. This is the first time they've slept in three days.
- Randy, he's getting ice cream on the carpet. - Touch 'em and you die!
I'm sorry. I'm just a little frazzled.
What was it you need help with?
Well, I think I found the girl I'm supposed to share a tiny half-heart gold necklace with.
Is it the lanky girl that always does karaoke at the Crab Shack?
She was crawling towards you when she sang "Like a Virgin."
Nope. It's Joy's deaf lawyer.
But I just don't know how to ask a deaf woman out.
Well, since she can't hear you, it doesn't matter what you say.
Just look cool while you're saying it, like this.
Itty botton doozy. Itty botton whoa.
[Earl Narrating] For once I was excited to go down to the jail...
'cause it meant I got to see Ruby again.
Hey. How's Darnell holding up?
Darnell? He's, uh―
He's, uh―
[Bell Dings]
[Hisses]
This crab is still alive.
I'll be right back with your soda.
Good. [Clears Throat] He's good.
[Earl Narrating] I didn't want to worry Joy with how flat Crabman's hair was.
Besides, I was more interested in looking cool for Ruby.
She wants to know, uh, any good stories that would make a jury feel sorry for Joy.
Oh. Tell them how I had to put a towel over your chest during sex so I wouldn't get rug burns.
- That'll make 'em feel sorry for me. - No, no.
- We can skip that. - Not if it helps out my case.
Oh. Tell them how I had to listen to you cry...
about having those semi-gay dreams about that guy from 90210.
R-R-Ruby doesn't need to hear about that.
Why do you care if she knows?
Oh, my God. You want to jump her bones.
- No, I don't. - Yes, you do!
[Singsongy] Earl and my lawyer sitting in a tree―
What are you doing? Will you stop signing everything she's saying?
I got this one, Doug. My stupid ex-husband wants to do you.
- [Laughs] - It's okay.
Maybe we should talk about this over dinner.
Oh, my God. You like him back.
[Laughs]
The good thing is you won't be able to hear his sex sounds.
- It's happening! It's happening! - Joy!
Doug, I will take those hands away from you!
[Earl Narrating] So, me and Ruby went to dinner.
Since I'd never been on a date with a deaf lady before, I wanted to be prepared.
I can read lips.
Yeah, I know. It's just that I'm gonna be eating in a little bit...
- and I didn't want you to have to stare at my chewed-up food. - Oh.
Oh.
Oh, uh, that's, uh― that's for― for later.
You know, just in case of hanky-panky.
Look. I-I'm sorry. Let me get rid of that.
Hold on to this. You never know.
[Earl Narrating] Man, something about her accent really turned me on.
And later that night she did more with my lips than just read 'em.
Yes. Twice.
[Earl Narrating] I was feeling good. I had a job, my G.E.D., an apartment...
and a hot professional deaf girlfriend.
And it was all 'cause of my list.
This shows such good character.
Well, I am a character witness.
You could cross this off.
Number 33― been a lazy lover.
Well, thank you, Ruby.
[Mouths Words]
Ah, that means "thank you."
Now I can understand two things in sign language:
"Thank you" and "your knee's on my hair."
[Earl Narrating] My life was finally perfect― until Ruby read my list.
Hey. This is me.
[Earl Narrating] Turns out those little ethnic robot kids...
who sang "It's a Small World" weren't kiddin'.
Couple of years ago, me and Randy found out there was a deaf person living in Camden.
We decided it'd be really easy to rob her.
Randy, where'd you go? I got in.
Whoo-hoo! Robbing the deaf!
[Cackles]
Oh, it wasn't me.
I mean, it was me, but it was the old me― the preadult Earl.
- You stole my cat. - Well, to be fair, the cat followed us.
This was a mistake.
Well, I don't think it was a mistake. I think it was beautiful.
In fact, it was one of the greatest nights I've ever had.
But it doesn't matter 'cause you can't hear a single word I'm sayin' right now.
Damn it.
[Earl Narrating] This was it. The big day.
Joy's trial.
And with her facing the possibility of going away for life...
I wanted to make sure the jury had a real good view...
of Darnell's droopy hair and the kids' sad little faces.
Oh, these are, uh, saved for some kids.
Uh, it's their mom's first trial. It's kind of special.
[Earl Narrating] I felt awful. I hoped to be able to talk to Ruby at the trial...
but it was clear she didn't want to talk to me.
- Hey, Crabman. - Hey, Crabman.
I brought a Weeble for the judge to whack with his wood hammer.
- I always wanted to see what made these things not fall down. - What happened to your nose?
Those kids are wild, Earl.
While I was sleeping, they shoved about 20 M&M's up there.
He's been sneezing them out for the last hour. They melt in your mouth but not in your nose.
[Earl Narrating] The kids were crazy and Darnell was a mess.
This family was coming apart like a burrito without a tortilla.
And this family's tortilla could be going away for life.
Even with her future at stake...
she still knew a mother's job was to make her kids feel comfortable.
Here, boys. Saved you my pudding cups from my last two lunches.
- [Both] Thanks. - [Man] Be seated.
[Earl Narrating] This was it. It was finally time for the trial to begin.
And we needed everything to go perfectly.
[Screams]
Then Doug ate one of Darnell's lemon squares.
- There's a razor blade in this! - [Crowd Gasping]
I'm sorry, baby. I might have mixed up his batch of squares with yours.
Damn it. How am I supposed to keep my legs smooth?
And cut bitches?
[Earl Narrating] Since Doug couldn't interpret for Ruby...
we had to find a new translator.
We did find one, but, well, she didn't speak English.
[Speaking Chinese]
[Earl Narrating] Which meant we had to have a translator for the translator.
"We will prove Joy Turner is guilty."
[Chinese]
My bad. "Not guilty." I'm sorry. My Mandarin is a little rusty.
[Earl Narrating] Our defense team had Joy a little worried...
and it didn't get better when the other team laid out their evidence.
Fifteen sets of prints matching Joy Turner's.
Wow.
So this is actually a security photo of the defendant...
running towards the truck 30 seconds before it was stolen.
Wow.
She was there moments before the theft...
and seemed threatening and menacing?
She was crazed.
And I'm not exaggerating. I know crazy when I see it.
When I was a baby, my mother once tried to cook me.
She was baby-cooking crazy.
Wow.
- [Chinese] - We object!
[Earl Narrating] Luckily, what Ruby lacked in ears, she made up for in brainpower.
She discredited the fingerprints.
[Chinese]
"And there were 16 other sets of unidentified prints on the car.
Now that is a 'wow'!"
[Chinese]
[Earl Narrating] And she discredited the witness.
"Is it true that you have called the Camden Police Department...
three times in the past year to report a lizard in your kitchen?"
- It was a baby alligator. - It was a lizard!
[Earl Narrating] She even discredited the photos.
[Chinese]
"Do you know how many things can happen in the span of 30 seconds?"
[Chinese]
[All Gasp]
"I may be a deaf woman, but even I can hear...
that these photographs scream 'not guilty."'
Damn, girl. Did you see how red that prosecutor's face was?
He looked like President What's His Name probably did...
when he found out that intern kept that dress.
Yeah, that was great lawyering, Ruby. I was really, really impressed.
[Muffled] "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
[Groans] This is stupid. Why don't you just talk?
Stop complaining.
You're mocking me?
Just do your job.
"Let's not get too excited.
Right now the jury could still go either way. It's still 50-50."
[Earl Narrating] Ruby explained that the telltale sign...
of a jury on the fence was if they were taking notes.
Once they stopped and leaned back, they had made their decision.
We should get back in there.
Do you have any last-minute advice before I take the stand?
Yes. Pretend you're not an ass.
Ruby, please.
- Can we just talk about this? I-I feel awful. - I'm not listening to you.
[Earl Narrating] Ruby didn't want to hear my excuses...
but she made sure the jury heard everything I had to say about Joy.
And even with a hangover, P.M.S. And two infected tattoos...
Joy still managed to bring five buckets of K.F.C. To Dodge's kindergarten graduation.
[Earl Narrating] I could tell the jury was with me, so I just kept talking.
And when our neighbor was sick, she fed his two dogs all week.
She would have fed his cat, but she didn't know he had one. That wasn't her fault.
She knows all the words to "My Sharona."
Floodwaters were up to here, and she was like, "Come on, dummy. You can stand on my car."
She cried when Mr. Rogers died.
She's got a cool little song she does that helps her spell "Mississippi."
She can yodel.
How she balanced that dead pony on two pairs of roller skates I will never know.
But every single kid at that party got a ride.
[Earl Narrating] When I saw the jury leaning back and smiling...
- I knew my work was done. - And on top of it all...
she was born in the U.S. Of A.
Thank you.
That was fun, huh?
[Mouths Words]
- [Chinese] - "Your witness, bitch."
Oh. He's, uh― He's still learning English.
Afternoon, Mr. Hickey.
- After― - You said something that interested me:
That your relationship with Joy Turner had ups and downs.
- Well, it was, uh, mostly up. - Was it an up when she tried to strangle you...
with the laces from your own work boots?
Oh, I don't think she was trying to kill me.
She was just showing me how she'd kill me if she was gonna kill me.
- How do you know about that? - You told me.
- [Woman] 911. What's your emergency? - [Earl] Oh, my God.
You gotta send help. She's trying to strangle me with one of my work boots.
[Joy] The hell you need work boots for anyway? You ain't got no job.
[Earl] Joy, stop it. [Groaning]
Stop it. I can't breathe. Help! Help!
- Wow. - Oh, it― it-it seems worse than it was.
See, I was eating, uh, powdered doughnuts and some sugar went down the wrong pipe.
[Earl Narrating] I could see the jurors were starting to waver again.
Even the guy with the mustache. And we usually stick together.
[Woman] 911. What's your emergency?
[Earl] Hey, Carmen. It's Earl. She got into the paint again.
- There's a blue ring around her mouth― - Uh― Uh―
We were working on a home improvement project.
[Earl] She just stabbed me in the neck with a ballpoint pen.
Does anyone there know if I'm supposed to leave it in or take it out?
[Earl Narrating] For the first time I started to think...
Joy was really gonna spend the rest of her life in jail.
And I wasn't the only one.
[Earl] I'm scared. I'm so scared. Please send someone soon.
- [Earl Narrating] Everybody was thinking it. - [Earl Screams On Tape]
[Earl Narrating] And I felt terrible because it was my words that were gonna put her there.
[Earl On Tape] No, honey. This isn't the police. Uh, uh, I'm just ordering pizza.
Yeah, yeah. I'll have a―a pepperoni. Ow! Not the face! Help! Stop it!
[Earl Narrating] And as each jury person made up their mind...
all I could think about was a nice family being torn apart.
[Earl On Tape] For God's sake, hurry.
There's only two closets in this trailer. She's gonna find me.
She pinned me down and put salt in my eyes. I don't know if she's here.
[Groans] I can't see.
Joy, put down the lighter fluid. No!
[Earl Narrating] She meant a lot to her family, and, well, she meant a lot to me.
[Earl On Tape] Hey, Carmen. Earl again. You might want to bring the dogs this time.
She just hit a Girl Scout with a rock.
Please hurry. I'm hiding behind a trailer, but she's gonna see where the phone cord―
Oh, my God. Here she comes.
I think she's gonna throw a puppy at me.
Bring the fire trucks too. She just torched the kitchen.
This woman should be locked up.
Locked up for life!
- I did it. - [All Gasp]
- What? - Earl.
My prints are on the truck. Look closer at those crime scene photos.
There's two sets of tire tracks. One of them will match my El Camino.
Joy's innocent. I stole the truck.
Earl.
What are you doin'?
Well, I don't have three strikes, and...
I also don't have a family.
- They need you. - Thank you.
[Earl Narrating] It made sense. When I considered...
all the crimes I did and never got caught for...
maybe this was karma's way of wanting me to pay.
What you did for Joy―
it showed great character.
[Earl Narrating] I was gonna miss that sexy accent.
The sad part was the thing that made her like me again was...
the very thing that would keep us apart.
Well, since I have no major priors, maybe I'll be back in time for Christmas.
Mr. Hickey, it showed guts...
to step up and not let an innocent woman go to jail.
But waiting this long to do it...
shows that you're a piece of trash.
I sentence you to two years in the state penitentiary.
[Garbled] Two years? Son of a bitch!
[Earl Narrating] I'd taken the fall so Joy wouldn't have to give anything up...
- but now I was the one giving something up. - ♪♪ [Rock]
Not just a pretty deaf girlfriend. I was giving up everything.
- ♪♪ [Man Singing] - I was giving up my apartment.
[Feedback Crackles]
♪♪ [Continues]
- I was giving up my job. - ♪♪ [Continues]
Hickey? Has anybody seen Hickey?
Damn it.
Once a Docker, always a Docker.
- ♪♪ [Continues] - [Earl Narrating] And after two years of crossing things off...
I even had to give up the list.
- ♪♪ [Continues] - Don't forget to thank old daddy.
- Ain't that the truth. - ♪♪ [Continues]
[Earl Narrating] I had finally become an adult...
only to have everything taken away.
♪♪ [Continues]
I had nothin'.
I was all alone.
Hey there, buddy.
Ralph?
Thank God you're here.
Listen. At lunch I spit in some skinhead's eye.
Wasn't my best decision. Turns out he's got a pipe gun...
he's gonna come at us later in the yard.
So, here's a sock full of batteries. All right, good buddy?
It's good to see you, man.
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]